Bad Programmer Pickup Lines: Menage a Trois

Posted on by
Reply



The previous lists are found here and here.

  1. I had planned to go home and create a whole new mod of Minecraft…but after checking you out, I’m only in the mood to craft something inside your mine.

  2. From what I can see, there’s no need to cast you to anything else, honey. You’re just my type.

  3. I wouldn’t mind calling the peek method on that stack.

  4. Girl, the way that you move those hips…all I can think about is where I’d like to redirect my streams.

  5. I don’t mind a girl who commits faults from time to time. In fact, you can dump your core on my lap anyday.

  6. They could create a whole new font based on that body…and they’d call it Heavenica.

  7. I wish that I had access to your database schema; you’re wearing a few things that I’d like to drop.

  8. Just so you know, I’m pretty good with my hands, and I like to help when I can. Mind if I open up that case of yours and flip your dip switch for you?

  9. How about you and I play a game of Scrum poker? In this case, though, it’s strip Scrum poker…and we’re estimating how long before we’re both naked.

  10. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stop admiring your lady lumps. They’re so perfect that they even make the “round()” method jealous.

  11. So which algorithm should we use first: merge sort…or insertion sort?

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Leaked: Original Ending to ‘Blackhat’ Movie

Posted on by
1



Here, I present a leaked copy of the upcoming Blackhat movie (i.e., Hackers 2: The Next Crappy Movie about Hackers). Please don’t ask me where I got it. It’s a secret.

—–

EXT. BUILDING TOP – DUSK

[ On the top of a condo highrise on the Tsing Lung Tau Ferry Pier in Hong Kong, a masked man screams in agony with an arrow in his leg. Our hunky, hacker hero Nicholas Hathaway slowly approaches him with the empty crossbow that has wounded our villain. ]

NICHOLAS: You didn’t think that you would get away with it, did you? I was able to reverse-engineer your code, and I found the coordinates for your secret hideout buried in the comments. So, just tell me…why? I hacked for fun and mischief…where things are a little grey! But you, with your nuclear reactor shutdown and siphoning people’s money…that’s definitely much darker than anything I’ve done. Now I see the ‘white’, and I’ll never become anything like you…black hat!

MASKED VILLAIN: Ha ha ha! You’re just like me, Nicholas…you just don’t have the guts to face it! I issued the flag on the compiler, to put those comments in the binary executable…on purpose! Because I wanted you to find me…to find out who I really am…

[ The villain removes his mask to show his true identity. ]

NICHOLAS: Mark Zuckerberg!

ZUCKERBERG: That’s right! It’s me, Mark Zuckerberg. After the “Social Network” and how it mocked me, I became bitter at the world, despite my billions of dollars. I used my elite hacker skills for evil, like exposing Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts for the world to see. And to rob people of money and to make nuclear reactors fail…all in order to make the world pay for how they’ve treated me!

NICHOLAS: Of course…only you would know how to inject SQL into a database and give it a virus…

[ Mark Zuckerberg hobbles to his feet, so that he stands before Nicholas. ]

ZUCKERBERG: Exactly! Clearly, though, you won’t join me…so, in that case, you must die!

[ Mark Zuckerberg extracts a hidden gun from his shirt, and he points it maniacally at Nicholas. Bracing for the bullet, Nicholas shields himself with his arms just as the gun explodes in Zuckerberg’s hands. The explosion from his hands causes Zuckerberg to be propelled over the edge of the building, and Zuckerberg falls stories to his death on the street below. ]

FEMALE VOICE: I thought that you could use a little help.

[ Nicholas turns around to face his Asian love interest. ]

NICHOLAS: How did you…?

HOT ASIAN CHICK: You’re not the only one with elite hacking skills. I hacked into the biometric unit that controls access to the gun, and then I used a stack overflow to cause the gun’s bullet to implode upon ignition.

NICHOLAS: Hey, maybe girls can code, too.

HOT ASIAN CHICK: I’ll teach you what other things girls can do.

[ She and Nicholas Hathaway embrace and just begin to kiss when a maintenance man walks onto the roof from the stairwell. They turn to face him after being interrupted, and showing a face of embarrassment, he tries to leave them alone. He cannot, though, since the door to the stairwell is now locked and will not budge. He pats his pockets for the access card, and he shakes his head in frustration.]

MAINTENANCE MAN: Oh, no, I forgot my access card! Hey…do either of you know anything about hacking a door?

[ They turn to face each other and laugh. ]

THE END

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

A Developer’s Wish List for Christmas

Posted on by
Reply



Dear Santa,

I’ve beeen a fairly good boy this year. Please give me at least one of the following:

  • Enough goddamn tablespace on the goddamn database schema so that it doesn’t run out every five goddamn minutes.

  • An environment where there’s less than 3 homegrown libraries that have different implementations of the same functionality.

  • Good will and peace on Earth…in other words, a calm, rational discussion about systemd that doesn’t involve remarks about physical assaults of family members or accusations about genital size.

  • An obedient monkey of my size who can wear a suit and quietly attend meetings in my place. (Trust me, they won’t be able to tell the difference, as long as he throws any poop at the trashcan instead of the other attendees. My aim is normally perfect.)

  • A development platform that was chosen because it makes sense, not because a slick salesman bought dinner for one of the company suits.

  • An Etch-A-Sketch for each stakeholder, since they’re so fond of drawing up vague specification requests and then erasing them quickly with a flash.

  • Less irony in the workplace (like when a new project is more complicated and expensive than the legacy system that it was intended to replace).

  • A fellow developer who doesn’t interpret ‘add more wrappers’ to mean that he should add more Wendy’s and McDonald’s wrappers to the existing layer on his desk.

  • Not hearing another unimaginative technical interview that starts with “So, you have a list of numbers that you have to sort…”

  • An intelligent workplace Internet filter that blocks porn sites and allows access to StackOverflow, not vice versa.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Bad Programmer Pickup Lines, Part Deux

Posted on by
Reply



The original list is found here.

  1. Call me a retro AI programmer, but I like my women as I like my logic: fuzzy. Can I get a peek of your implementation?

  2. Dear God, I haven’t seen a stack like that in ages. It’s enough to make me overflow.

  3. If things get a little hot and heavy later, I’ll make sure to call ‘join()’ so that we finish together.

  4. You look a little compressed in those pants. Let me make you more comfortable by running ‘gunzip’ on them.

  5. My, my, my…your mother allocated quite a buffer on you. Mind if I address it with my pointer?

  6. When using my web services or spending some time in my bedroom, it’s recommended in both cases that you get plenty of REST.

  7. Now that we’ve gotten to know each other, it’s about time for production…and I’ve got my branch all ready for deployment.

  8. I just ran a ‘netstat -a’ on your luscious body, and fortunately for us, it reported back that all ports are open.

  9. Girl, let’s ditch this party and head back to your place for a code review on memory usage. I’m sure that we’ll find a few leaks which you’ll want me to address.

  10. How about we start a process together and get right to forking?

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Bad Programmer Pickup Lines

Posted on by
Reply



  1. How about we improve our performance by wrapping your O() around my logn?

  2. I couldn’t help but notice that we’re ethnically diverse…and I’m all about fast and heavy race conditions.

  3. Girl, you’re so fine…as much as I’d try to hold my lock with you, I couldn’t stop releasing early.

  4. I’ve lost something, and I think that I might find it on you. Mind if I opt for a depth-first search?

  5. Care to swing by my office for a quick examination? I’m designing a new architecture, and I just found the perfect domain model.

  6. With an angelic rackspace like that, you must have just fallen out of the cloud.

  7. I suggest that we go home and remove these masks, so that we can finally see all the bits underneath.

  8. What’s your favorite configuration? Mine is where you’re the master, and I’m your slave.

  9. I can tell you one thing, sweetheart: there isn’t anything generic about your container.

  10. Are you a developer as well as beautiful? Because I’d love to push my code into your repo.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Seven Levels of Hell: The Tech Edition

Posted on by
Reply



  1. First Circle (Limbo): For developers who can’t pick a language or platform as their given specialty.

    Punishment: All souls chained to this level will walk door to door with their résumé, only to have each one slammed in their faces with the phrase “You have no strengths!”

  2. Second Circle (Lust): Taking into account who we have to face each day at work and their respective level of resembling a troglodyte, we can go ahead and eliminate this possibility.

    Punishment: Not applicable. This level of hell is empty.

  3. Third Circle (Gluttony): For programmers who create memory leaks and perpetual loops, eating up all the memory and CPU cycles on the system.

    Punishment: Every single day, these offenders are presented a choice to either write an enterprise server application (with an embedded demoscene) that can run efficiently with only 2K of RAM or to eat an entire Alienware computer case.

  4. Fourth Circle (Greed): For IT managers who wouldn’t share resources or knowledge with other managers.

    Punishment: Chained to a wall and gagged, these souls must watch silently as their peers take credit for all of the damned’s projects and heap praises upon each other.

  5. Fifth Circle (Anger): For admins who blow their top and acerbically berate all users, both advanced and novice in technical knowledge.

    Punishment: Surrounded by blaring alarms about hard drives losing disk space, they will sit at a terminal for eternity and their fingers will only be able to repeatedly type ‘fsck’ (and other variations with more vowels).

  6. Sixth Circle (Heresy): For the sales managers at software companies who know the limitations of the product being sold but then promise everything else to the customer.

    Punishment: Unfortunately, this level of hell is full of innocent software developers. As with the world of the living, the salesmen have talked their way out of punishment and somehow placed the full load of misery onto the developers.

  7. Seventh Circle (Violence): For the developers whose nonsensical code causes headaches and dizziness to those who review it.

    Punishment: While being flogged with the “computer-mice-o-nine” tails, they must write the code for their next project through only the smashing of their heads against a vintage IBM Model M keyboard. ‘Click-clank-click’ will be the only soundtrack for eternity.

  8. Eight Circle (Fraud): For all IT staff who knowingly have taken one shortcut in their lives when they should have done things the right way.

    Punishment: Due to overcapacity (in that all fellow IT staff belong here), a huge volume of sinners will need to take turns being in the pit in order to accommodate the space. The punishment has yet to be determined since the domain model hasn’t taken all factors (like performance requirements) into account yet.

  9. Ninth Circle (Treachery): For any CIO/CTO who had a productive, strategic vision for the company but then abandoned that vision at the first sign of trouble (or a golden parachute).

    Punishment: Much like those stuck in Limbo, these souls must forever be denied employment by various prospective employers…but they must suffer while chained to an ex-spouse who perpetually complains about a lack of alimony or child payments.

Footnote: The title would be nine levels of hell, but since the second level is empty and the sixth level is misused, there’s actually only seven. That seems to fit, though, since nothing in tech has an implementation which matches the specs.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Ways that Code.org Can Excite People about Programming

Posted on by
Reply



Unless you’ve been busy living under a rock or preparing inside your bunker for Armageddon, you’ve heard of Code.org and their goal to excite the public about the potential prospects for everyone in regards to programming. Codecademy even claims that it can empower the common layman with the skills to become an employable programmer…in only 3 months! However, despite all of their efforts to galvanize people, the impact has been nominal at best. What’s really needed is an effective campaign to convince people to join the world of developers. Some useful ideas that come to mind are:

  • Spread the rumor that advanced coders are able to summon the power of hadouken when they reach a high enough level.

  • Stress how developers gain an infinite amount of patience by dealing with the both complex systems and less-than-complex managers.

  • Pitch how one can become enlightened and attain a higher level of philosophical understanding about Hobbes’ sentiment towards mankind, as you attempt to make one Web page consistent across dozens of browsers and platforms.

  • Showcase the absolutely festive environment that one expects with the sausage party that is a programmer’s career.

  • Demonstrate the power of software development by showing how one junior developer can commit several lines of code and cause the entire downfall of a project and/or system.

  • Emphasize how programmers acquire skills that are essential assets in a modern technological society (but will become useless in the event of a great solar flare and its crushing blow to our global infrastructure).

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.