Here, I present a leaked copy of the upcoming Blackhat movie (i.e., Hackers 2: The Next Crappy Movie about Hackers). Please don’t ask me where I got it. It’s a secret.
EXT. BUILDING TOP – DUSK
[ On the top of a condo highrise on the Tsing Lung Tau Ferry Pier in Hong Kong, a masked man screams in agony with an arrow in his leg. Our hunky, hacker hero Nicholas Hathaway slowly approaches him with the empty crossbow that has wounded our villain. ]
NICHOLAS: You didn’t think that you would get away with it, did you? I was able to reverse-engineer your code, and I found the coordinates for your secret hideout buried in the comments. So, just tell me…why? I hacked for fun and mischief…where things are a little grey! But you, with your nuclear reactor shutdown and siphoning people’s money…that’s definitely much darker than anything I’ve done. Now I see the ‘white’, and I’ll never become anything like you…black hat!
MASKED VILLAIN: Ha ha ha! You’re just like me, Nicholas…you just don’t have the guts to face it! I issued the flag on the compiler, to put those comments in the binary executable…on purpose! Because I wanted you to find me…to find out who I really am…
[ The villain removes his mask to show his true identity. ]
NICHOLAS: Mark Zuckerberg!
ZUCKERBERG: That’s right! It’s me, Mark Zuckerberg. After the “Social Network” and how it mocked me, I became bitter at the world, despite my billions of dollars. I used my elite hacker skills for evil, like exposing Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts for the world to see. And to rob people of money and to make nuclear reactors fail…all in order to make the world pay for how they’ve treated me!
NICHOLAS: Of course…only you would know how to inject SQL into a database and give it a virus…
[ Mark Zuckerberg hobbles to his feet, so that he stands before Nicholas. ]
ZUCKERBERG: Exactly! Clearly, though, you won’t join me…so, in that case, you must die!
[ Mark Zuckerberg extracts a hidden gun from his shirt, and he points it maniacally at Nicholas. Bracing for the bullet, Nicholas shields himself with his arms just as the gun explodes in Zuckerberg’s hands. The explosion from his hands causes Zuckerberg to be propelled over the edge of the building, and Zuckerberg falls stories to his death on the street below. ]
FEMALE VOICE: I thought that you could use a little help.
[ Nicholas turns around to face his Asian love interest. ]
NICHOLAS: How did you…?
HOT ASIAN CHICK: You’re not the only one with elite hacking skills. I hacked into the biometric unit that controls access to the gun, and then I used a stack overflow to cause the gun’s bullet to implode upon ignition.
NICHOLAS: Hey, maybe girls can code, too.
HOT ASIAN CHICK: I’ll teach you what other things girls can do.
[ She and Nicholas Hathaway embrace and just begin to kiss when a maintenance man walks onto the roof from the stairwell. They turn to face him after being interrupted, and showing a face of embarrassment, he tries to leave them alone. He cannot, though, since the door to the stairwell is now locked and will not budge. He pats his pockets for the access card, and he shakes his head in frustration.]
MAINTENANCE MAN: Oh, no, I forgot my access card! Hey…do either of you know anything about hacking a door?
[ They turn to face each other and laugh. ]
Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.