Monthly Archives: March 2015

Other Tax Deductions for Developers

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  • For C++ developers: Cite the number of rubber ducks that are destroyed in frustration.

  • For Java developers: Claim your processes as hungry dependents that drain you of resources.

  • For PHP developers: Submit the total number of used boxes of tissues (for the endless tears as victims of other developers’ taunts).

  • For JavaScript developers: Claim your two week vacation to the beach as a medical expense, since it was the only remedy for the insanity from debugging your latest project.

  • For C# developers: If you’ve even spent one moment or penny with the developer program for the Windows App Store, declare that value as a capital loss of your soul.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Ways for Developers to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

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  1. Wear a shirt with only “#00FF7F” on the front and back. Tip: It’s an unstated rule that if someone pinches you while you are wearing green, you have every right to Qaddafi or karate chop the other person.

  2. Create your own pot of gold by filling a small bucket full of Nacho Doritos. Then, put a green hat on your RC car and reward the bucket to any work colleague who can catch your car. (If your work situation is like mine, they’ll all probably die of a heart attack before they get within three meters of the car.)

  3. In order to spur the right amount of violence, ensure that everyone in the office is horribly drunk before you issue ‘git remote rm’ to any and all branches.

  4. Use a shamrock with school children to explain the Holy Trinity: Linus Torvalds, Linux, and init. (If a systemd advocate is nearby and overhears you, be prepared for combat.)

  5. Buy a Guinness for that one developer who rarely showers and has a propensity for smelling like cabbage.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Seven

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  1. // Where? Why are you asking me?
    private string AppendWhere(string ColName, int Index);

  2. // If you’re going to pass back a boolean through an ‘out’ parameter instead
    // of having the function simply return it, then you should indeed get
    // another job…and it should not be coding
    private void GetNextJob(out bool IsActive);

  3. // I think that there’s some confusion here between ‘validate’ and ‘analyze’
    public bool AnalyzeData(string);

  4. // No, you go ahead and do that without me. As for me, I’m going to keep
    // my appetite intact.
    const FILE* OpenDataSores(string);

  5. // You’re right, we needed that function. Good call.
    string CreateTruncateSql(string Table)
    { return “TRUNCATE TABLE ” + sTable; }

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.