8 Indications that You Need to Guillotine Your CTO

1.) Your deployment environment is nothing but Windows servers, your entire framework depends on .NET, and your entire programming team only knows C#…but he doesn’t understand why you fight him when it comes to replacing all of your desktops with Mac Pros.

2.) You inform him that your team has donated personal hours of work in order to complete an ancillary project that will save the company millions of dollars…and in response, he nods approvingly and then asks “Who are you again?” Then he digs out his cellphone, laughs, and shows you a picture of his dog wearing sunglasses and a tutu.

3.) When you’re in a meeting with him and stakeholders in your project, he reacts to any of the stakeholders’ complaints/issues by shaking his head, rolling his eyes, and covertly pointing at you…especially if you’ve blown the bridge.

4.) When he speaks to your projects’ stakeholders, he overestimates his ability to connect with them. For example, if they happen to be black, he will punctuate his comments with “…girlfriend!” and horizontally oscillate his head like an upset guest on the Jerry Springer show.

5.) When he asks you to help tune his slow PC, you find that his desktop’s Recycle folder contains nothing but files with suspicious names like “shesquirts.stuxnetworm.mpeg.exe”.

6.) When talking with him about how a certain piece of software resembles Lotus, he responds with a look of confusion…though he is eager to admit how Lotus was his favorite nightclub back in the day.

7.) When you report that your network latency has increased tenfold, he optimistically asks if that is good news.

8.) He has eight screens on his desktop which supposedly show realtime information from eight different subsystems…but when you scrutinize the setup from a distance, you realize that it’s just an enlarged game of Tetris.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

10 Other Unwanted Google Products

1.) ReAnimal – It’s a sad day when a pet dies, because we have to say goodbye…or do we? Not anymore! Through collaboration between the Google Chauffeur program and Boston Dynamics, your favorite little buddy will get a second lease on life. With the installation of some basic hardware into its body, the recently deceased can now move through your home again…although in an unaffectionate, frightening way that doesn’t faintly resemble anything organic and that will be sure to traumatize you, your spouse, and definitely your children.

PRODUCT DISCLAIMER: The second lease on life will be about a week or whenever the smell of rot becomes too much to bear.

2.) Spank Tank – Why would Google buy a Japanese robotic company and a company that specializes in robotic arms? Three words: Octagenarian happy ending. With the nascent industry of robots in elderly health care, old people still need to get their jollies, especially the Japanese. Just ask George Takei! The answer: Spank Tank. In addition to getting the best bedside treatment, nothing will arouse and satisfy your declining grandparents like staring into its lifeless face and getting an old-fashioned from its cold plastic hands. They don’t call it the Uncanny Valley for nothing!

3.) NowUKnow – Want to learn something but too lazy to do it? Wish that The Matrix was real? Well, NowUKnow kung fu, too! Using Bitspin tech, your Android phone can now instruct and teach you everything…all while you sleep! And it doesn’t cost you one dime! What’s the catch? You may find yourself buying unexpected products due to subliminal messages, and if you do happen to wake up with a bloody knife in your hands, remember that your beloved overlord Google had nothing to do with that or your recent bouts of sleepwalking. But who cares – now you can speak French fluently!

4.) Google Poo – You’ve heard of Google Fiber, right? Well, we’re talking about a different kind of fiber! With Google Poo, all subscribers to the program will finally kiss their water bills goodbye, after key equipment has been installed in their toilets. Just allow Google to monitor your #1 and #2, and in doing so, spending time in the bathroom will actually pay off! Drop off a few kids at the pool, and Zave Networks will now know to send you killer coupons for corn! Adopt a wide stance on the throne, and Viewdle can use their special tech to recognize and diagnose your hemorrhoids. Finally, your poo will work for you!

5.) StreetMap Eavesdrop – Many of us find it helpful to use StreetMap, especially to get a detailed view of a neighborhood or area. Of course, sometimes the visual dimension isn’t enough to get a clear picture. Enter Eavesdrop! Now, along with the images of your next destination, you can listen to snippets of conversation. See a street that looks enticing? Now listen to people talking on the street in order to make the final call. “I just put a wig, some lipstick, and a Fleshlight on the Spank Tank, and now Gramps and I enjoy it together.” Street avoided!

6.) Infogina – With the recent acquisition of Nest Labs, the increasing demand for smart biosensors can now be met with the help of Google’s mobile tech. Finally, after enduring an unsatisfied demand for decades, women now have the ability to monitor the pH of their hoo-ha via a mobile app on their phone. Plus, with a built-in accelerometer and gyroscope, Infogina can supply real-time stats and measurements that weren’t possible before. “I just beat my old record of 20 lbs. of pressure with my Kegel muscles!” You go, girl!

7.) Adforcers – You want to get word of your product out there, but some people simply insist on staying in the boondocks, where the Internet just can’t reach them. It was a foregone conclusion that your company’s message would never reach them…until now! With the help of our new friends at Imperium, the Adforcers can arrive at the doorstep of potential clients and ‘coerce’ them into hearing your message. Using the patented Ludovico Technique, the Adforcers can ensure you that those inbred stomachs will get all tumbly-wumbly when they next see your competitor’s logo. You’ll have broken-spirited, loyal customers for life!

DISCLAIMER: They might also develop a strange assortment of fears (including phobophobia and, of course, phobophobophobia), but hey, that’s just another case of blowing the bridge. You did what you could.

8.) NoMind – Time is important to all of us, and there never seems to be enough of it. Using the technology purchased with DeepMind, Google can now provide you with the tools to give Chronos the middle finger! NoMind will monitor your purchase history and daily activities online, and after only a few days, it can take over those mundane annoyances in your life and save you hours of time. While NoMind levels your character in your favorite MMO game, trolls your favorite forums on 4Chan, and finds the best deals on Mountain Dew, you can finally reach your full potential by ‘photoshooping’ celebrity nudes and by creating the next big viral meme. Carpe diem, indeed!

9.) Google Gas – Once again, like Google Glass, you can enhance your senses! By simply inserting two metal cylinders into your nostrils and clamping them to your nose, you can now comfortably experience the world in a new way. Whoever smelt it dealt it? Not in this case! Experience the chance to pinpoint who in the room cut the cheese, to become a sensation at parties by sniffing for cancer tumors, and to blackmail your male friends when you smell a woman on them who isn’t their wife.

10.) UdderBot – With the rise of tablets and smartphones, PCs are on the decline. Why would anyone buy a PC? You might want to reconsider that choice. Enter UdderBot, the first totally biological PC! In addition to satisfying your computing needs, UdderBot can also secrete whole milk, produce methane for heating your home, provide smelly 3D printing, and can be a cuddlesome companion at night. Get one today!

DISCLAIMER: Though tempting, do not engage in bot-tipping when UdderBot is sleeping. Likewise, do not taunt UdderBot or have anything with a reddish hue in your home. Otherwise, UdderBot could be provoked into a mindless fit of rage and will likely murder your children and pets. You don’t think that a small fuzzy ball of cow flesh isn’t capable of murder? Think again, bucko.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

When LinkedIn Poachers Miss the Mark

1.) Dear Mr. Smith,

I’m an all-pro recruiter from a billion dollar hedge fund. I have an ASP.NET position open in our company, and even though your resume mentions a bunch of nerd stuff that I don’t understand, it all looks pretty nerdy, so I figure that you’re probably a good fit. Blah, blah, blah…let’s get to the point. The question is: are you in the game? Hit me up if you’re ready to work with some real men and make it rain on some bitches. Hit me up if you have a pair. Of balls!

                            — Ivanto Takuklozoff

2.) Dear Mrs. Johnson,

On your profile, it mentions that you enjoy playing puzzle games on your Android phone as a hobby. Based on that, you seem to be the perfect fit for a position as an Android app architect. You seem well qualified to lead two coding teams in Shanghai and Kiev. We will talk about your salary after you forward your highest scores for Angry Birds and Candy Crush.

                            — Zhiyat Fobraynz

3.) Dear Mr. Torvalds,

Based on your profile, you seem to be fairly proficient in Linux. I see that your first name is Linus. I love that character from the Snoopy cartoons! (Linux sounds so much like Linus. Does anyone mix that up and call you by that name?) In any case, I have a C++ position open that has your name all over it. Have you ever worked on an OS? Specifically, in the part of the OS called ‘the colonel’? If you’d like to hear about it, give me a call.

                            — Heywood Jablome

4.) Dear Ms. Jackson,

Boy, are you ever lucky! I’m a recruiter with a financial analysis firm called Pyramid, and we are currently looking for a contractor to fill a temporary position on a busy project. We are prepared to give you a 10K payment for the job and bonuses for exemplary, punctual work. Of course, you will have to relocate since our operation is based on the moon, but we are prepared to partially compensate you for moving expenses. Even though the estimated time for the project is 3 days, your expected duration of the project is only for 7 hours and 18 minutes, since we can only send a finite amount of oxygen with you. Your 10K will be paid posthumously to a Paypal account in our new cryptocurrency called PyramidCoin*. Any interest?

                            — Anita Jakoff

* (1 Indian rupee = 1000000 PyramidCoins)

5.) Hey,

I see that you work on the 7th floor of Acme Inc. Guess what? I’m the boss on the 8th floor! I do my own recruiting, without the help of HR. I also see that you work for Bob. Guess what? Bob is a gigantic douchebag! Am I right? Come work for me on the 8th floor, and you’ll never have to face Bob again. We’ll make that asshole eat his own hat for lunch. Plus, we party hard up here. Sometimes with each others’ bodies…just sayin’. It’s an option.

                            — Ollie Tsumpoo

6.) Greetings Mr. Jones,

A mutual friend/recruiter of ours gave me your name. He said that you were currently bored with your current position and that you were looking for more of a challenge. I think that I might have something for you. At Pipedream Inc., we have a position that offers you an unique chance, one to assist in the development of the new interplanetary iteration of the Internet. The bad news is that you’ll have to work for half of your current salary, declare bankruptcy, foreclose on your home, leave your family, and change your gender (so that the company can benefit from some tax breaks). So, there are a couple of minuses. On the plus side, you will be paid in a new hot cryptocurrency called PyramidCoin and some options*. Call me to learn more.

                            — Yura Bagadikz

* There is a 100% chance that they will be worthless when we will likely go bankrupt.

7.) Hi Mr. Williams,

I’m a recruiter in a boutique recruiting firm which is small in stature but tall in power. You can tell that we’re cool and retro since we quote from the movie Krull. Plus, we actually know a ton about techie stuff! Like, Java is to Javascript like dingleberries are to berries. Am I right? And whoever chooses an IDE over a command line is lame. Right? And don’t get me started about Unicode! So, if you’re super nerdy cool, you can trust us to represent you. Because we’re just like you! Really! Whaddup, my geeker! Geeker, please!

                            — Maya Tayntswetz

8.) Good Morning Ms. Brown,

Given your extensive knowledge as an electrical engineer at such a young age, we were interested in contacting you about a unique opportunity for your career. Here at the Pyongyang Energy Company #12, we have unique puzzles which await to challenge you. Here is what we have to offer:

a.) PEC #12 is a hot energy startup which challenges the world’s ideas (and some of its political agreements)
b.) PEC #12 is located in a super secret unicorn lair
c.) PEC #12 offers the comfort of never having to leave Pyongyang for the rest of your life
d.) PEC #12 provides recreational entertainment in Pyongyang Reeducation Camp #12, which is located next door
e.) PEC #12 has special programs/incentives for young women like yourself, offering paid maternity leave once our beloved CEO Kim Jong Un has blessed you with his seed
e.) PEC #12 offers the reassurance that even if our company is destroyed by imperialist bombs, we will succeed in furthering the dreams of our beloved, sacred CEO Kim Jong Un, and in that way, we will have preserved our honor.

Please respond quickly to our inquiry! Or else!

                            — Sum Ting Wong

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.