Other Poor Business Phrases

Recently, CEO Marissa Mayer engaged in a discussion with reporters and analysts about Yahoo’s last business quarter, and when asked about the company’s layoffs, she referred to management’s choices as a “remix” of her company. Obviously, some marketing guru/moron probably encouraged her to use terminology that actually did more damage than good. Here are a few other potential mistakes that she and her peers might want to avoid in the near future:

  1. Construct a valid argument about the chosen technical direction for the company, rather than simply stating “YOLO”.
  2. Avoid referring to anyone who doubts your company’s potential competitiveness as simply “wacked out on flakka”.
  3. Do not announce that you’re about “to drop” your next earnings report within the next week.
  4. Refrain from announcing your CFO on conference calls as “your bottom bitch”.
  5. If you sell or purge a division within the company, “cause they didn’t have mad swag” will not be a sufficient explanation for your actions.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Predictions for the Second Season of Silicon Valley

With the arrival of the second season of Silicon Valley, I have used my prescient powers to see into the future. My mind has captured the following events that will surely unfold in the next episodes:

  1. Under the direction of Ellen Pao, Reddit will become the major investor of Pied Piper and promise funds with no attachments, as long as the entire team promises to undergo surgery in order to become women.
  2. A Japanese researcher will discover the jerk-off equations on the whiteboard from Season 1, and he will ask Piep Piper to assist him with creating the most efficient “happy ending” robot in the entire world.
  3. Richard Stallman will attempt to convince Richard that he should open source Pied Piper’s compression algorithm, and when Richard refuses to do so, Stallman and his army of chubby ninjas will chase and harass Richard throughout the remainder of the season.
  4. As part of a PR campaign for the company, Erlich must attend a CodeNow session for minority students, where he will create politically incorrect code samples and will gain the respect of his students by participating in a rap battle.
  5. A heated argument over design at Pied Piper will lead to an escalating progression of pranks between Gilfoyle and Chugtai, which will end with a swatting that accidentally deports Gilfoyle from the country.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.