1.) Your deployment environment is nothing but Windows servers, your entire framework depends on .NET, and your entire programming team only knows C#…but he doesn’t understand why you fight him when it comes to replacing all of your desktops with Mac Pros.
2.) You inform him that your team has donated personal hours of work in order to complete an ancillary project that will save the company millions of dollars…and in response, he nods approvingly and then asks “Who are you again?” Then he digs out his cellphone, laughs, and shows you a picture of his dog wearing sunglasses and a tutu.
3.) When you’re in a meeting with him and stakeholders in your project, he reacts to any of the stakeholders’ complaints/issues by shaking his head, rolling his eyes, and covertly pointing at you…especially if you’ve blown the bridge.
4.) When he speaks to your projects’ stakeholders, he overestimates his ability to connect with them. For example, if they happen to be black, he will punctuate his comments with “…girlfriend!” and horizontally oscillate his head like an upset guest on the Jerry Springer show.
5.) When he asks you to help tune his slow PC, you find that his desktop’s Recycle folder contains nothing but files with suspicious names like “shesquirts.stuxnetworm.mpeg.exe”.
6.) When talking with him about how a certain piece of software resembles Lotus, he responds with a look of confusion…though he is eager to admit how Lotus was his favorite nightclub back in the day.
7.) When you report that your network latency has increased tenfold, he optimistically asks if that is good news.
8.) He has eight screens on his desktop which supposedly show realtime information from eight different subsystems…but when you scrutinize the setup from a distance, you realize that it’s just an enlarged game of Tetris.
Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.