10 Other Unwanted Google Products

1.) ReAnimal – It’s a sad day when a pet dies, because we have to say goodbye…or do we? Not anymore! Through collaboration between the Google Chauffeur program and Boston Dynamics, your favorite little buddy will get a second lease on life. With the installation of some basic hardware into its body, the recently deceased can now move through your home again…although in an unaffectionate, frightening way that doesn’t faintly resemble anything organic and that will be sure to traumatize you, your spouse, and definitely your children.

PRODUCT DISCLAIMER: The second lease on life will be about a week or whenever the smell of rot becomes too much to bear.

2.) Spank Tank – Why would Google buy a Japanese robotic company and a company that specializes in robotic arms? Three words: Octagenarian happy ending. With the nascent industry of robots in elderly health care, old people still need to get their jollies, especially the Japanese. Just ask George Takei! The answer: Spank Tank. In addition to getting the best bedside treatment, nothing will arouse and satisfy your declining grandparents like staring into its lifeless face and getting an old-fashioned from its cold plastic hands. They don’t call it the Uncanny Valley for nothing!

3.) NowUKnow – Want to learn something but too lazy to do it? Wish that The Matrix was real? Well, NowUKnow kung fu, too! Using Bitspin tech, your Android phone can now instruct and teach you everything…all while you sleep! And it doesn’t cost you one dime! What’s the catch? You may find yourself buying unexpected products due to subliminal messages, and if you do happen to wake up with a bloody knife in your hands, remember that your beloved overlord Google had nothing to do with that or your recent bouts of sleepwalking. But who cares – now you can speak French fluently!

4.) Google Poo – You’ve heard of Google Fiber, right? Well, we’re talking about a different kind of fiber! With Google Poo, all subscribers to the program will finally kiss their water bills goodbye, after key equipment has been installed in their toilets. Just allow Google to monitor your #1 and #2, and in doing so, spending time in the bathroom will actually pay off! Drop off a few kids at the pool, and Zave Networks will now know to send you killer coupons for corn! Adopt a wide stance on the throne, and Viewdle can use their special tech to recognize and diagnose your hemorrhoids. Finally, your poo will work for you!

5.) StreetMap Eavesdrop – Many of us find it helpful to use StreetMap, especially to get a detailed view of a neighborhood or area. Of course, sometimes the visual dimension isn’t enough to get a clear picture. Enter Eavesdrop! Now, along with the images of your next destination, you can listen to snippets of conversation. See a street that looks enticing? Now listen to people talking on the street in order to make the final call. “I just put a wig, some lipstick, and a Fleshlight on the Spank Tank, and now Gramps and I enjoy it together.” Street avoided!

6.) Infogina – With the recent acquisition of Nest Labs, the increasing demand for smart biosensors can now be met with the help of Google’s mobile tech. Finally, after enduring an unsatisfied demand for decades, women now have the ability to monitor the pH of their hoo-ha via a mobile app on their phone. Plus, with a built-in accelerometer and gyroscope, Infogina can supply real-time stats and measurements that weren’t possible before. “I just beat my old record of 20 lbs. of pressure with my Kegel muscles!” You go, girl!

7.) Adforcers – You want to get word of your product out there, but some people simply insist on staying in the boondocks, where the Internet just can’t reach them. It was a foregone conclusion that your company’s message would never reach them…until now! With the help of our new friends at Imperium, the Adforcers can arrive at the doorstep of potential clients and ‘coerce’ them into hearing your message. Using the patented Ludovico Technique, the Adforcers can ensure you that those inbred stomachs will get all tumbly-wumbly when they next see your competitor’s logo. You’ll have broken-spirited, loyal customers for life!

DISCLAIMER: They might also develop a strange assortment of fears (including phobophobia and, of course, phobophobophobia), but hey, that’s just another case of blowing the bridge. You did what you could.

8.) NoMind – Time is important to all of us, and there never seems to be enough of it. Using the technology purchased with DeepMind, Google can now provide you with the tools to give Chronos the middle finger! NoMind will monitor your purchase history and daily activities online, and after only a few days, it can take over those mundane annoyances in your life and save you hours of time. While NoMind levels your character in your favorite MMO game, trolls your favorite forums on 4Chan, and finds the best deals on Mountain Dew, you can finally reach your full potential by ‘photoshooping’ celebrity nudes and by creating the next big viral meme. Carpe diem, indeed!

9.) Google Gas – Once again, like Google Glass, you can enhance your senses! By simply inserting two metal cylinders into your nostrils and clamping them to your nose, you can now comfortably experience the world in a new way. Whoever smelt it dealt it? Not in this case! Experience the chance to pinpoint who in the room cut the cheese, to become a sensation at parties by sniffing for cancer tumors, and to blackmail your male friends when you smell a woman on them who isn’t their wife.

10.) UdderBot – With the rise of tablets and smartphones, PCs are on the decline. Why would anyone buy a PC? You might want to reconsider that choice. Enter UdderBot, the first totally biological PC! In addition to satisfying your computing needs, UdderBot can also secrete whole milk, produce methane for heating your home, provide smelly 3D printing, and can be a cuddlesome companion at night. Get one today!

DISCLAIMER: Though tempting, do not engage in bot-tipping when UdderBot is sleeping. Likewise, do not taunt UdderBot or have anything with a reddish hue in your home. Otherwise, UdderBot could be provoked into a mindless fit of rage and will likely murder your children and pets. You don’t think that a small fuzzy ball of cow flesh isn’t capable of murder? Think again, bucko.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

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