1.) Dear Mr. Smith,
I’m an all-pro recruiter from a billion dollar hedge fund. I have an ASP.NET position open in our company, and even though your resume mentions a bunch of nerd stuff that I don’t understand, it all looks pretty nerdy, so I figure that you’re probably a good fit. Blah, blah, blah…let’s get to the point. The question is: are you in the game? Hit me up if you’re ready to work with some real men and make it rain on some bitches. Hit me up if you have a pair. Of balls!
— Ivanto Takuklozoff
2.) Dear Mrs. Johnson,
On your profile, it mentions that you enjoy playing puzzle games on your Android phone as a hobby. Based on that, you seem to be the perfect fit for a position as an Android app architect. You seem well qualified to lead two coding teams in Shanghai and Kiev. We will talk about your salary after you forward your highest scores for Angry Birds and Candy Crush.
— Zhiyat Fobraynz
3.) Dear Mr. Torvalds,
Based on your profile, you seem to be fairly proficient in Linux. I see that your first name is Linus. I love that character from the Snoopy cartoons! (Linux sounds so much like Linus. Does anyone mix that up and call you by that name?) In any case, I have a C++ position open that has your name all over it. Have you ever worked on an OS? Specifically, in the part of the OS called ‘the colonel’? If you’d like to hear about it, give me a call.
— Heywood Jablome
4.) Dear Ms. Jackson,
Boy, are you ever lucky! I’m a recruiter with a financial analysis firm called Pyramid, and we are currently looking for a contractor to fill a temporary position on a busy project. We are prepared to give you a 10K payment for the job and bonuses for exemplary, punctual work. Of course, you will have to relocate since our operation is based on the moon, but we are prepared to partially compensate you for moving expenses. Even though the estimated time for the project is 3 days, your expected duration of the project is only for 7 hours and 18 minutes, since we can only send a finite amount of oxygen with you. Your 10K will be paid posthumously to a Paypal account in our new cryptocurrency called PyramidCoin*. Any interest?
— Anita Jakoff
* (1 Indian rupee = 1000000 PyramidCoins)
I see that you work on the 7th floor of Acme Inc. Guess what? I’m the boss on the 8th floor! I do my own recruiting, without the help of HR. I also see that you work for Bob. Guess what? Bob is a gigantic douchebag! Am I right? Come work for me on the 8th floor, and you’ll never have to face Bob again. We’ll make that asshole eat his own hat for lunch. Plus, we party hard up here. Sometimes with each others’ bodies…just sayin’. It’s an option.
— Ollie Tsumpoo
6.) Greetings Mr. Jones,
A mutual friend/recruiter of ours gave me your name. He said that you were currently bored with your current position and that you were looking for more of a challenge. I think that I might have something for you. At Pipedream Inc., we have a position that offers you an unique chance, one to assist in the development of the new interplanetary iteration of the Internet. The bad news is that you’ll have to work for half of your current salary, declare bankruptcy, foreclose on your home, leave your family, and change your gender (so that the company can benefit from some tax breaks). So, there are a couple of minuses. On the plus side, you will be paid in a new hot cryptocurrency called PyramidCoin and some options*. Call me to learn more.
— Yura Bagadikz
* There is a 100% chance that they will be worthless when we will likely go bankrupt.
7.) Hi Mr. Williams,
— Maya Tayntswetz
8.) Good Morning Ms. Brown,
Given your extensive knowledge as an electrical engineer at such a young age, we were interested in contacting you about a unique opportunity for your career. Here at the Pyongyang Energy Company #12, we have unique puzzles which await to challenge you. Here is what we have to offer:
a.) PEC #12 is a hot energy startup which challenges the world’s ideas (and some of its political agreements)
b.) PEC #12 is located in a super secret unicorn lair
c.) PEC #12 offers the comfort of never having to leave Pyongyang for the rest of your life
d.) PEC #12 provides recreational entertainment in Pyongyang Reeducation Camp #12, which is located next door
e.) PEC #12 has special programs/incentives for young women like yourself, offering paid maternity leave once our beloved CEO Kim Jong Un has blessed you with his seed
e.) PEC #12 offers the reassurance that even if our company is destroyed by imperialist bombs, we will succeed in furthering the dreams of our beloved, sacred CEO Kim Jong Un, and in that way, we will have preserved our honor.
Please respond quickly to our inquiry! Or else!
— Sum Ting Wong
Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.