1.) Candy Crusher – A NFC-enabled mobile app which, when used near a person playing Candy Crush, takes remote control of the target’s phone and annoyingly broadcasts to all in the target’s contacts list:
“I would read right now if I weren’t an illiterate, stupid fuck that hasn’t figured out how to use headphones. Please knuckle my loins when you next see me.”
2.) AutoStalker – An Internet bot that can be set to different modes, surreptitiously dissuading your friends from posting to social networks. Frustrated with friends who inundate Facebook with pictures of their children? Simply set AutoStalker to “PedoBear” mode, and after compromising your target’s account and those of its friends, it will generate random creepy comments about kids’ buttocks and post them to your target’s wall. Sayonara, kid pics!
3.) DroneZapper – A thirty foot Tesla Coil that will extinguish the life of any snooping drone or quadrocopter. With every purchase comes:
a.) Metallic mail suits for all family and pets (since death is guaranteed by not wearing one)
b.) A lifetime supply of hair gel in order to combat the neverending battle between static charges and style
4.) RingDumbs – A mobile phone app which will listen for certain ringtones and immediately respond to them. For example, in the case of the whistling ringtone of Samsung, the phone will supply a small charge to an embedded portion of the phone, which in turn will ignite a small packet of C4 and kill everyone within a few meters, including the offender. (You might die in the process, but you’ll have the honor of blowing the bridge.)