Snowden’s Last Performance Review

Employee Name: Edward Snowden
Department: NSA Operations Center
Immediate Supervisor: Yuri Nater
Date of Review: April 1st, 2013

O – Outstanding
L – Like a gangsta mofo
S – Surpasses expectations
E – Exceeds expectations
M – Meets expectations
N – Needs improvement
T – Tends toward crapola
U – Unsatisfactory
Y – Yeasty

Technical Support for Monitoring Operations = S
———-
Attendance and Punctuality = T
———-
Expertise in IT Security Practices = O
———-
Eager to Help Fellow Employees with Password Issues = L
———-
Communicates with Peers Regularly = E
———-
Refrains from Having Journalist Friends = N
———-

General Comments: Ed performs his role with enthusiasm. As a standup employee, he volunteers his time with staff by offering to backup their personal drives on a regular basis, without incurring overtime or other costs to the agency. He is well known and loved by others for his quirky sense of humor and his generosity. For example, his candy jar of free keychain flash drives keeps everyone productive and in good spirits. He even provided some homebrew “palware” (how creative!) on each flash drive, in order to help us with our daily tasks! Ed is an asset, and we should consider getting some people under him as quickly as possible.

Room for Improvement: Ed does need to spend less time talking on the phone, especially with his domestic partner Glenn about planning vacations. (Hong Kong might be a fun town, but if you’re planning a party for weeks, there better be some real dragons dancing around.)

Employee Comments: I will divulge your Orwellian monitoring to the world at large, and any confidence held by people regarding your principled position will be shaken to its core. You will pay for your treachery through the loss of wealth and international trust, and even though you will likely not learn your lesson (and I am likely just blowing the bridge), I will have the satisfaction of knowing that it was due to me and that you were unable to stop me.

Supervisor Comments: That Ed! Such a kidder! Man, his stuff is totally priceless.

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