10 Software Hurdles for Google’s Self-Driving Cars



1.) All software for the cars must be developed with only Angular JS and Dart, using an IDE on an Android tablet.

2.) Since the self-driving software needs a plethora of data about a local area in order to drive properly around there, the neural network of each SD (i.e., self-driving) car will need to learn by driving over nearly every mile of the roads in its customer’s region before being used. As long as you’re comfortable with waiting several months after purchase and starting with 100,000 miles on the odometer, then the car is yours.

3.) In order to eat their own dog food, Google is looking to replace its entire Google StreetMap van fleet with the SD model. However, the car has yet to properly handle certain tasks of a Google Van, like taking embarrassing pictures of public urination/nudity and recording “random” samples of nearby WiFi traffic.

4.) Unfortunately, the SD patriarch Kit has reached a certain age where it’s harder to rise to the occasion, and in order for him to reproduce with the female self-driving cars, he will need to remedy his “dysfunction” with certain patches to his operating system.

5.) The OCR system will need to properly identify and react to any signs held by roadside people, like policemen warning of danger ahead or high school cheerleaders who are holding a charity car wash.

6.) Weather has been a persistent problem with the navigation system, especially with the presence of precipitation (including rain and snow). In order to address the problem, the SD model will need to recognize this perilous situation, and the current desired implementation will switch the vehicle into Transformer mode, where it will turn into a 5-story robot and commence walking down the highway.

7.) Unfortunately, the SD model is still a pervert, and it has a nasty habit of recording your sessions with your girlfriend in the back seat. Just skip the roadhead until it’s fixed.

8.) Currently, the OCR system has difficulty with the identification of pedestrians and bicyclists running on the roads, especially in that it records only 5 experience points when it runs a cyclist off the road. Cyclists are clearly worth at least 10 XP.

9.) Even though the system does not yet currently handle unexpected traffic lights properly, it will attempt to react to these lights in the best way possible, namely to follow the Starman Creed and run through every yellow light.

10.) For any legal infraction incurred during its driving, the software of the SD model is supposed to be able to automatically contest the ticket online. As this functionality is still pending, it will be programmed in the meantime to bust into traffic court Kool-Aid Man style and argue with the judge on your behalf.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

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