Bitcoin? We Don’t Need No Stinking Bitcoin

With the impending launch of MasterCoin, we all need to seriously start thinking about the inherent possibilities which will follow its launch. As with Uber, AirBnB, and Tesla, disruption and decentralization are the key ingredients for innovation. When any man, woman, or child can create their own virtual currency, we will see a dynamic transformation of the economic landscape. We haven’t seen the topic discussed at length yet, since we are only on the cusp of this financial revolution. Fortunately, though, I have a few ideas which I’m willing to share:

1.) DixieCoin – The South will never pull down the Stars & Bars from the flag pole, and in many ways, it will never change. So, in that case, why not embrace their desire for separatism and personally profit from it at the same time?

Logo – The Confederate flag on the front, Jesus with a trucker hat and a M-16 on the back.

Projected Usage – DixieCoin will become the only viable currency for the entire southeast portion of the United States. Where DixieCoin is not yet accepted (and until proper POS systems are installed into place), bartering substitutes can be used like RC Cola, Cheerwine, and moon pies. More than likely, the largest coin mining operations will probably be conducted by Walmart, Nascar, and Hardee’s.

Benefits – For the South, they can finally achieve the proper amount of isolation for which they have yearned during the last century. For the rest of the United States, the American dollar will trounce the DixieCoin, and it will put the finishing touches on transforming the region into a permanent alternative to Mexico (i.e., cheap vacations, cheap land, cheap prostitutes, etc.).

2.) DoucheCoin – If we’ve learned anything from the latest tech fad of smartphone apps, it’s that there will always be a group of wealthy douchebags who can’t wait to conflagrate their adjacent piles of cash. Inevitably, people will want a virtual currency simply because it will fulfill the need for elitism. Enter DoucheCoin!

Logo – Skull and Bones on the front, Obama doing the Shaka Bra on the back.

Projected Usage – DoucheCoin will be accepted at all venues and restaurants with velvet ropes and/or abrasive bouncers with earpieces.

Benefits – Rich pricks around the country will finally have a currency of their own, temporarily giving them a feeling of being special and briefly filling their collective black hole. However, as their insatiable desire for exclusivity finally reaches levels akin to the likes of Patrick Bateman, competitiveness and demand will inflate the value of the currency, causing its owners to become manic and erratic. In the end, the currency will cause them to become bankrupt and/or murderous of each other, and with patience, we can all wait on the sidelines in order to buy their possessions on the cheap. And then there will be much rejoicing.

3.) NyanCoin – For decades now, various subcultures have incubated on the Internet, eventually finding their way to crawling outside and becoming a part of the real world. Furries, cosplayers, and the like only have opportunities to convene at conferences. However, if they had their own currency, they could finally create their own Nyan society.

Logo – Nyan Cat on the front, Chris Hansen on the back.

Projected Usage – Much like Galt’s Gulch, Nyan’s Nook (whose exact location is yet to be determined) would be a place that welcomed the eccentric. It would be an entire city that exclusively used NyanCoin as its currency.

Benefits – Since NyanCoin would be worthless to the outside world, the sole benefit for everyone else would be entertainment. Once its inhabitants moved to Nyan’s Nook, they would essentially be chained to the area by depending on its currency. Then, in the fashion of The Truman Show, we would install cameras throughout the city and begin watching them for entertainment, forcing some of its citizens to follow written scripts. Who wouldn’t want to see a show called Bronyman Loves Princess Peachbeard?

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

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