The Bloody Fight for Unicode 8.0

Some people hail Unicode 7.0 for being more inclusive, with its addition of new scripts and symbols. I can only say: it’s about goddamn time! The problem is that the bureaucrats of the Unicode Consortium have dragged their feet, and we need to push them for more action. How many years and how many lives were lost for the inclusion of Linear A, before they finally gave it to us in Unicode 7.0? We need to be more aggressive! Here and now, we need to create a list of our demands for the next iteration, and we should hold them to it:


Klingon – The army of CUR has fought for this one long and hard. This international language has become a standard for many, and it’ll only be a matter of time before Chinese is replaced by Klingon as the future language of business. It’s ridiculous that it hasn’t been included yet.

Caveman Doodles – Obviously, we need to preserve the first script of mankind, and on par with the written languages of first civilizations, the chalk renderings of horses, spears, and hairy vaginas should be noted as worthy of preservation. Consequently, sites like OKCupid will probably dump their current implementation, since this simple script will fit the needs of their clients nicely.

Kilrathi – Granted, the language only has a few words and phrases, but someday, we will learn more about this culture of space pilot cats who were the obvious inspiration for “Laser Cats!” and who were wiped out by the merciless Mark Hamill. In order to honor them, we should include and preserve their culture for posterity within Unicode 8.0.

4Chanese – Clearly, the readers of 4Chan are an important species, and we need to welcome them into the mainstream fold of society. Their script is a strange one, but with the inclusion of its characters in the next iteration, we will all be able to triforce properly without being called “newfag” and without needing to face the ultimatum of either baring our breasts or departing the premises.

Boner Emoji – Sure, this last iteration of Unicode gave us a few emoji, and some smart people are calling for more. However, there is a need which has yet to be fulfilled: boner emoji. We need pictograms which show boners at various angles (45 degrees, 90 degrees, 345 degrees, etc.) and of various sizes (thick, long, etc.). By doing so, we can have proper conversations about sexual tactics without a lengthy, verbose conversation. Finally, we’ll be able to convey the idea of “tip-to-tip” between each other without the barrier of language.


This is only the beginning, but together, we can create the necessary list for the next release of Unicode 8.0. If I’m missing anything, let me know; we’ll add it to the roster. Let’s keep up the fight.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

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