Quotes from an Outdated, Ignorant DBA

“I started to learn about MySQL, but I stopped. Somebody told me that it had been ruined by some chick developer named Maria. Are there any pictures of her out there? I heard that she’s hotter than Cassandra.”

“NoSQL, huh? How does that work? Can I just plug my Kinect into my computer and create some tables by waving my arms?”

“Finally! They’re releasing version 11.0.1 of Paradox. I’m gonna be at the launch party at my friend’s house. It’s gonna rock so hard.”

“Yeah, I’ve had some problems with sharding myself. Luckily, whenever they’ve popped up, there’s always been a McDonald’s or a public bathroom nearby.”

“Should I start getting into MySQL or PosterOgreSQL? I’ve heard that both are pretty good. What’s with the name of the latter? Was it used inside World of Warcraft?”

“Some of the suits asked me to start looking into this Memcached stuff. I don’t see what the big fuss is about. I can’t even create a schema in it with a DDL file.”

“I heard that the other departments in the company are starting to use MongoDB. They keep talking about storing the data with some dude named Jason. You know him?”

“I want to put my databases in the cloud. So, I got them all wrapped up in boxes and ready to ship. What’s the address for the Azure building?”

“Everyone talks about Javascript, so I’m gonna give it a try. I’m having a hard time connecting to a database. Are there some drivers that I need to install?”

“One of the brass keeps insisting that we use open source software for our infrastructure. I keep telling him that we already do. They’ve opened the codebase for Btrieve, right? What do you mean ‘what’s Btrieve’, you stupid punk?!?”

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

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