Developer Says: Based on our design, I could have a MVP done in a week. Afterwards, we can go over that, pivot the design, and then build a more substantial iteration by the end of the following week.
Manager Hears: The whole thing will be done in two weeks.
Developer Says: Yeah, with my limited knowledge and a few of my favorite tools, I can build some web services that can allow fellow company programmers to interact with our system.
Manager Hears: By myself, I can construct a load-balanced Web site that will accommodate millions of global users per minute.
Developer Says: We should have a meeting with release engineering and stress that we can’t meet deadlines without proper build and deployment machines.
Manager Hears: Waaaaaaah…[cry tear, emit snot bubble from nose, kick legs while in diaper] Waaaaaaahhhh…
Developer Says: We need to establish ownership of our various software projects, so that people can be held accountable.
Manager Hears: I am willing to take full ownership of all software projects, and I volunteer to be the official company scapegoat.
Developer Says: When you write a web method with HTTP GET, it should generally only return data. With a web method that writes data, it should really use either POST or PUT.
Manager Hears: Blah, blah, blah…I’m a flaming, anal-retentive nerd who has to have everything in a certain way, because getting things right is as important as my Tolkien underwear….blah, blah, blah…
Developer Says: Dinesh and Gilfoyle have reverse-engineered some of the legacy programs, and they’ve found inconsistencies with some of your old specs.
Manager Hears: We should fire Dinesh and Gilfoyle.
Developer Says: Since we’re in a crunch period, I guess that I can remote onto my dev machine from home this weekend, in order to get some work done and to get us a little ahead of the curve.
Manager Hears: I will gladly blow the bridge and die smiling in an attempt to save this impossible project…and even if my near-future reincarnation is about to be aborted in a clinic, my bloody fetus of a body will jump out and crawl back here, so that I can once more be a martyr for your noble cause. Please use me as you see fit.
Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.