Other Poor Business Phrases



Recently, CEO Marissa Mayer engaged in a discussion with reporters and analysts about Yahoo’s last business quarter, and when asked about the company’s layoffs, she referred to management’s choices as a “remix” of her company. Obviously, some marketing guru/moron probably encouraged her to use terminology that actually did more damage than good. Here are a few other potential mistakes that she and her peers might want to avoid in the near future:

  1. Construct a valid argument about the chosen technical direction for the company, rather than simply stating “YOLO”.
  2. Avoid referring to anyone who doubts your company’s potential competitiveness as simply “wacked out on flakka”.
  3. Do not announce that you’re about “to drop” your next earnings report within the next week.
  4. Refrain from announcing your CFO on conference calls as “your bottom bitch”.
  5. If you sell or purge a division within the company, “cause they didn’t have mad swag” will not be a sufficient explanation for your actions.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Predictions for the Second Season of Silicon Valley



With the arrival of the second season of Silicon Valley, I have used my prescient powers to see into the future. My mind has captured the following events that will surely unfold in the next episodes:

  1. Under the direction of Ellen Pao, Reddit will become the major investor of Pied Piper and promise funds with no attachments, as long as the entire team promises to undergo surgery in order to become women.
  2. A Japanese researcher will discover the jerk-off equations on the whiteboard from Season 1, and he will ask Piep Piper to assist him with creating the most efficient “happy ending” robot in the entire world.
  3. Richard Stallman will attempt to convince Richard that he should open source Pied Piper’s compression algorithm, and when Richard refuses to do so, Stallman and his army of chubby ninjas will chase and harass Richard throughout the remainder of the season.
  4. As part of a PR campaign for the company, Erlich must attend a CodeNow session for minority students, where he will create politically incorrect code samples and will gain the respect of his students by participating in a rap battle.
  5. A heated argument over design at Pied Piper will lead to an escalating progression of pranks between Gilfoyle and Chugtai, which will end with a swatting that accidentally deports Gilfoyle from the country.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Other Tax Deductions for Developers



  • For C++ developers: Cite the number of rubber ducks that are destroyed in frustration.
  • For Java developers: Claim your processes as hungry dependents that drain you of resources.
  • For PHP developers: Submit the total number of used boxes of tissues (for the endless tears as victims of other developers’ taunts).
  • For JavaScript developers: Claim your two week vacation to the beach as a medical expense, since it was the only remedy for the insanity from debugging your latest project.
  • For C# developers: If you’ve even spent one moment or penny with the developer program for the Windows App Store, declare that value as a capital loss of your soul.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Ways for Developers to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day



  1. Wear a shirt with only “#00FF7F” on the front and back. Tip: It’s an unstated rule that if someone pinches you while you are wearing green, you have every right to Qaddafi or karate chop the other person.
  2. Create your own pot of gold by filling a small bucket full of Nacho Doritos. Then, put a green hat on your RC car and reward the bucket to any work colleague who can catch your car. (If your work situation is like mine, they’ll all probably die of a heart attack before they get within three meters of the car.)
  3. In order to spur the right amount of violence, ensure that everyone in the office is horribly drunk before you issue ‘git remote rm’ to any and all branches.
  4. Use a shamrock with school children to explain the Holy Trinity: Linus Torvalds, Linux, and init. (If a systemd advocate is nearby and overhears you, be prepared for combat.)
  5. Buy a Guinness for that one developer who rarely showers and has a propensity for smelling like cabbage.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Seven



  1. // Where? Why are you asking me?
    private string AppendWhere(string ColName, int Index);
  2. // If you’re going to pass back a boolean through an ‘out’ parameter instead
    // of having the function simply return it, then you should indeed get
    // another job…and it should not be coding
    private void GetNextJob(out bool IsActive);
  3. // I think that there’s some confusion here between ‘validate’ and ‘analyze’
    public bool AnalyzeData(string);
  4. // No, you go ahead and do that without me. As for me, I’m going to keep
    // my appetite intact.
    const FILE* OpenDataSores(string);
  5. // You’re right, we needed that function. Good call.
    string CreateTruncateSql(string Table)
    { return “TRUNCATE TABLE ” + sTable; }

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Six



  1. // I prefer shaken, not bubble sorted
    const ABC_ERR_CD AbcParser::Gen007xRecords(…);
  2. // You’re more right than you know – this whole project is loco
    const ABC_ERR_CD AbcParser::AppendLocoSubjects(…);
  3. // Now, the implementation does check to ensure all digits are
    // greater than zero…but still, between the questionable grammar and the
    // name itself, that’s truly legendary stuff
    bool AbcParser::IsAllDigit(int);
  4. // Just get a Brazilian at the salon and get it over with
    const string TrimSpillover(string);
  5. // Sometimes the jokes write themselves
    bool AbcParser::DropDump(fileHandle, string);

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Five



  1. // Nothing is more arousing than numbers inside function names
    bool IfBefore01011900ModifyIt(string& dateString);
  2. // Could we make this functionality any less generic?
    string SubtractOneDayFromDate(string& sDate);
  3. // Looks like it’s time to call Mulder and Scully
    void EncodeFileX2();
  4. // Let me tell you about this new member function of the String class
    // called ‘replace’…
    int ReplaceCharacters(targetString, charExisting, charReplacement);
  5. // Good thing Mulder and Scully are here. Now arrest that man for crimes
    // against humanity.
    int CreateTransactionSeqForIllegalProcedure(…);

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Valentine’s Day for Developers



Get that something special for the beloved developer in your life.

  1. For your C# sweetheart: A box of delicious “nugets”. (Important note: any groaning will be interpreted as laughter.)
  2. For your C++ sweetheart: An empty box of condoms, because there’s nothing better than a lack of protection.
  3. For your Java sweetheart: A box of inch-thick condoms, because there’s nothing better than a ridiculous abundance of protection.
  4. For your Swift sweetheart: A set of roleplaying costumes for bedroom fun, including a set of emoticon masks and a dildo in the shape of an upside-down table.
  5. For your PHP sweetheart: A 12-hour package of psychological counseling, in order to deal with the constant ridicule from non-PHP developers.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.