Ways for Developers to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day



  1. Wear a shirt with only “#00FF7F” on the front and back. Tip: It’s an unstated rule that if someone pinches you while you are wearing green, you have every right to Qaddafi or karate chop the other person.
  2. Create your own pot of gold by filling a small bucket full of Nacho Doritos. Then, put a green hat on your RC car and reward the bucket to any work colleague who can catch your car. (If your work situation is like mine, they’ll all probably die of a heart attack before they get within three meters of the car.)
  3. In order to spur the right amount of violence, ensure that everyone in the office is horribly drunk before you issue ‘git remote rm’ to any and all branches.
  4. Use a shamrock with school children to explain the Holy Trinity: Linus Torvalds, Linux, and init. (If a systemd advocate is nearby and overhears you, be prepared for combat.)
  5. Buy a Guinness for that one developer who rarely showers and has a propensity for smelling like cabbage.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Seven



  1. // Where? Why are you asking me?
    private string AppendWhere(string ColName, int Index);
  2. // If you’re going to pass back a boolean through an ‘out’ parameter instead
    // of having the function simply return it, then you should indeed get
    // another job…and it should not be coding
    private void GetNextJob(out bool IsActive);
  3. // I think that there’s some confusion here between ‘validate’ and ‘analyze’
    public bool AnalyzeData(string);
  4. // No, you go ahead and do that without me. As for me, I’m going to keep
    // my appetite intact.
    const FILE* OpenDataSores(string);
  5. // You’re right, we needed that function. Good call.
    string CreateTruncateSql(string Table)
    { return “TRUNCATE TABLE ” + sTable; }

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Six



  1. // I prefer shaken, not bubble sorted
    const ABC_ERR_CD AbcParser::Gen007xRecords(…);
  2. // You’re more right than you know – this whole project is loco
    const ABC_ERR_CD AbcParser::AppendLocoSubjects(…);
  3. // Now, the implementation does check to ensure all digits are
    // greater than zero…but still, between the questionable grammar and the
    // name itself, that’s truly legendary stuff
    bool AbcParser::IsAllDigit(int);
  4. // Just get a Brazilian at the salon and get it over with
    const string TrimSpillover(string);
  5. // Sometimes the jokes write themselves
    bool AbcParser::DropDump(fileHandle, string);

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Five



  1. // Nothing is more arousing than numbers inside function names
    bool IfBefore01011900ModifyIt(string& dateString);
  2. // Could we make this functionality any less generic?
    string SubtractOneDayFromDate(string& sDate);
  3. // Looks like it’s time to call Mulder and Scully
    void EncodeFileX2();
  4. // Let me tell you about this new member function of the String class
    // called ‘replace’…
    int ReplaceCharacters(targetString, charExisting, charReplacement);
  5. // Good thing Mulder and Scully are here. Now arrest that man for crimes
    // against humanity.
    int CreateTransactionSeqForIllegalProcedure(…);

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Valentine’s Day for Developers



Get that something special for the beloved developer in your life.

  1. For your C# sweetheart: A box of delicious “nugets”. (Important note: any groaning will be interpreted as laughter.)
  2. For your C++ sweetheart: An empty box of condoms, because there’s nothing better than a lack of protection.
  3. For your Java sweetheart: A box of inch-thick condoms, because there’s nothing better than a ridiculous abundance of protection.
  4. For your Swift sweetheart: A set of roleplaying costumes for bedroom fun, including a set of emoticon masks and a dildo in the shape of an upside-down table.
  5. For your PHP sweetheart: A 12-hour package of psychological counseling, in order to deal with the constant ridicule from non-PHP developers.

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Four



  1. // Not for any other reason except it’s just a fun thing to do
    const bool OpenReadClose();
  2. // I think that you’re only using ‘_’ to make yourself look more important
    // in the eyes of the kernel
    char* Read_Whole_File(name);
  3. // Simple and to the point
    void DoEverything();
  4. // I’m gonna go out on a limb here…but you probably don’t need
    // a whole function dedicated to that
    int RemoveAllCarriageReturns(line);
  5. // Pack your bags…we’re going to Hollywood!
    void Producer_Offer(…);

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Three



The previous lists can be found here and here.

  1. // Apparently we have given up on using enums or arrays
    // or other products of common sense (On a side note…sOriginPoint?!?)
    const string DecodeBoolean(const bool bBoolean)
    {
    string sOriginPoint = (bBoolean) ? “TRUE” : “FALSE”;
    return sOriginPoint;
    }
  2. // Whatever excuse is made to justify calling it, the answer is still “no”
    bool EnsureFunctionIsCalled()
    {
    bool bSuccess = true;
    return bSuccess;
    }
  3. // I’m lost now, and I need GPS
    void LoadPreLoadMapForPostUnloadProcessStep(…)
  4. // Well, yeah, it would only be one of them…but that still doesn’t explain what
    // a return value of ‘True’ means…

    const bool RealErrorOrNotError(string& sMessage)
  5. // Personally, I like my programming to be a little more decisive
    void SetIsHashableIsMayBeHashable(string& sIsHashable)

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

The Function Name Hall of Shame: Round Two



The previous list can be found here:

  1. NOTE: I don’t think this means what he thinks this means…
    private bool EvaluateSimplePhrase(a, b, c, d, e, f, g)
  2. NOTE: Is that possible outside of a trailer park?
    public bool AreChildrenParents(…)
  3. NOTE: Shouldn’t that return more than just a bool?
    public bool GetTransactionSeqAndInitialJobCharacteristics(…)
  4. NOTE: Sounds illegal, if you ask me
    private int InsertChildrenIntoParents()
  5. NOTE: You’re right…an informative message isn’t necessary. Just the ObjectID will do.
    public void LogObjectID(objectID)

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.

Bad Programmer Pickup Lines: Menage a Trois



The previous lists are found here and here.

  1. I had planned to go home and create a whole new mod of Minecraft…but after checking you out, I’m only in the mood to craft something inside your mine.
  2. From what I can see, there’s no need to cast you to anything else, honey. You’re just my type.
  3. I wouldn’t mind calling the peek method on that stack.
  4. Girl, the way that you move those hips…all I can think about is where I’d like to redirect my streams.
  5. I don’t mind a girl who commits faults from time to time. In fact, you can dump your core on my lap anyday.
  6. They could create a whole new font based on that body…and they’d call it Heavenica.
  7. I wish that I had access to your database schema; you’re wearing a few things that I’d like to drop.
  8. Just so you know, I’m pretty good with my hands, and I like to help when I can. Mind if I open up that case of yours and flip your dip switch for you?
  9. How about you and I play a game of Scrum poker? In this case, though, it’s strip Scrum poker…and we’re estimating how long before we’re both naked.
  10. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stop admiring your lady lumps. They’re so perfect that they even make the “round()” method jealous.
  11. So which algorithm should we use first: merge sort…or insertion sort?

Peter Bolton is the author of Blowing the Bridge: A Software Story and has also been known to be a grumpy bastard on occasion.